Ive given therapy another go. Not because I want to, but because I feel I need to. I havent found the right therapist yet so I will see how this one goes. And it really helps that its free. At this point I am broke so I couldnt afford it even if I wanted it.
She’s an older lady which somehow is better for me; I guess I respect the experience rather than being a guinea pig for some psychology graduate. I think I am getting better at talking. Thats good. I told her I express myself through drawing so we had a drawing session. But that consisted of me multi-tasking listening to her ramble on and concentrating on my drawing. I think Im going back to talking. Me talking. All the other therapists that Ive been too have been really rigid with enforced boundaries and stonewalling themselves. This one is different. She doesn’t even care if I come late. and she talks about her daughter. I don’t want to come off as mean, but seriously, its my session and I’m not really interested in hearing about your daughter. Or having to think about your feelings. It takes too much energy that I don’t have.
So, back to therapy, lets hope this time it goes well.
Today s therapy session was hard. I was exhausted. I have been dissociating a lot recently. It is hard for me to talk and I prefer that my therapist, C. asks me questions. We discussed why I didn’t feel like talking, why I felt angry at myself and sorry for my mother when it should be the other way around. I told C. that someone had just outed me to my parents that I am gay and about the phone call I received from my mother that triggered me becoming suicidal. We talked about my terrible insomnia and sleeping habits.
The hour went way too fast.
I have just started seeing a therapist to help with my depression, possible BPD, and the other conditions I have developed as a result of the abuse.
I havent seen a therapist for a long time so right now we are exploring which avenue might be the best one for me to carry on long term..
Initially, I was as opposed to seeing a therapist as an elephant in a cage, but there is a fighter spirit in me that doesnt let me give up. I want to get better. I want to live healthy and happy again. So, despite my previous, unsuccessful attempts with a load of different therapists/therapies, I have started again. Hopefully, this time will be the last time!
Because the abuse took place over so many years, it is extremely hard to separate and spotlight it and say, this is a one time event, lets deal with it and move on. No, it has shaped my entire character and personality and the way I react to events.
Because the coping mechanisms I developed from such a young age are so deeply rooted within my subconscious, my reactions to ‘normal’ stresses such as financial worries, being let down, confrontation etc are heightened, sometimes to a disabling extent.
I have a lot of skills that I need to learn eg interpersonal relationships, distress level management etc but I will elaborate more on those as I go along.