Going through Hell

I went to visit her yesterday.

She stared right through me. She cried but no tears fell.

”They took away my dignity. They locked me up in a small room. No bed, no food, no blanket. They took all my clothes away. I was completely naked. And freezing because they put the air conditioning on full blast. They injected me with sedatives. For six hours I lay on the cold, hard floor, trying to cover myself up with my arms. I couldn’t breathe. Im going through hell.”

Holding back the wave of pain that threatened to engulf me I hugged her tight and told her:

”Your dignity is up here,” I put my hand on her forehead, ‘and here,’ I pointed to her heart.”Nobody can take that away from you. 

 You’re my sister. and I love you with every inch of my heart. That will never change.” I held her hand and stroked her flushed cheek. ” your heart is a muscle, I said, quoting a film I had just watched ”The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets. Take the pain and think of it as building blocks. you are so strong and so brave and I love you so much. 

I don’t know what is worse; going through hell, or watching someone you love go through it. Its like a double dose of trauma.

 Im still crying.




Massively triggered by my friends suicide, I went into shock. First came the repeated sentences, over and over.

”I cant believe shes dead. She did what? I cant believe shes dead. Suicide? I cant believe shes dead.”

Then came the rage, tearing in like an avalanche of rockets. Frustration and guilt and then an overwhelming deep pain.

I had a full blown panic attack. I hyperventilated. I threw up all over myself. For a while, I just had to concentrate on getting the next breath through my choked up windpipe.

Now I am numb. That is why I am able to write about it without banging my head on the wall or putting my hand through glass.

Everybody wanted to know the details. How did she do it? Why did she do it? Was she depressed?

I am not interested in the details. This is real for me, not just a soap opera. Ive been down the suicide path many times.

The pain, oh the pain… Only those who have been through it can know it… Well meaning people try to rationalise the pain but end up doubling it instead.


Self Harm

I bit my lip and now its bleeding

I try to stop the tears

I bang my chest to feel the feeling

of pent-up rage and fear

I ran out onto the street today

hoping a car would knock me

break my bones and give me pain

Coz nothing else will shock me

I put my fist through panelled glass

watch a cherry red river flow

and from the distance (saw) moments pass

like buttercups in the snow

I overturned my shopping cart

right in the middle of the store

Had a full-blown tantrum there and then

down on the dirt filled floor

I keep a knife under my sheets

to make me feel safe

If a rapist comes whilst I’m asleep,

it would slash him in his face

My bed is full of sharpened spikes

My carpets made of lego

Clothing hangs from electric pikes

hollow dreams they echo

I scrape my nails along black bricked walls

and bruise my tarnished hands

I skip the steps hoping to fall

onto concrete covered land

My heart once full of love and peace

now split right at the seams

yanked right out of its shadowed socket

Will nothing stop the bleed?

Guilt stretches its damning spikes

Shooting arrows  in its wake

Patience longs but defiance storms

Through every bolted gate

Emotions stronger than physical pain

I pinch my bruising skin

Will I ever awake from this sodden slumber

and let reality kick in?