Massively triggered by my friends suicide, I went into shock. First came the repeated sentences, over and over.

”I cant believe shes dead. She did what? I cant believe shes dead. Suicide? I cant believe shes dead.”

Then came the rage, tearing in like an avalanche of rockets. Frustration and guilt and then an overwhelming deep pain.

I had a full blown panic attack. I hyperventilated. I threw up all over myself. For a while, I just had to concentrate on getting the next breath through my choked up windpipe.

Now I am numb. That is why I am able to write about it without banging my head on the wall or putting my hand through glass.

Everybody wanted to know the details. How did she do it? Why did she do it? Was she depressed?

I am not interested in the details. This is real for me, not just a soap opera. Ive been down the suicide path many times.

The pain, oh the pain… Only those who have been through it can know it… Well meaning people try to rationalise the pain but end up doubling it instead.