All these crazy insomniacs…

Insomnia. Sigh.. I get tired just thinking about it. I have delved deep into my nightmarish past and come up with a possible explanation as to why I have chronic insomnia. This is not a diagnosis, rather an understanding of it from my own view.

we develop healthy sleeping patterns from the way we are taught as kids. This takes into account routine, calm atmosphere and positive encouragement towards sleep.

but what if your life as a child was one of constant disarray, the only people that were calm were your neighbours, and you got tied to the bed, whipped and threatened with death if you did not shut up and go to sleep?

Fear kept me awake for hours on end, straining my ears for the familiar sounds of doom impending footsteps.. I learnt to recognise her breathing, her walk, her climb. Each was as familiar to me as my own name. When I was awake, I was somewhat in control. It was when I was sleeping she had free reign to do whatever she wanted. it was that paralysing fear, of being vulnerable, that kept me awake at night and subsequently evolved into a habitual lack of sleep which affects me until today.

Advertisements

Week 5

Today s therapy session was hard. I was exhausted. I have been dissociating a lot recently. It is hard for me to talk and I prefer that my therapist, C. asks me questions. We discussed why I didn’t feel like talking, why I felt angry at myself and sorry for my mother when it should be the other way around. I told C. that someone had just outed me to my parents that I am gay and about the phone call I received from my mother that triggered me becoming suicidal.            We talked about my terrible insomnia and sleeping habits.

The hour went way too fast.