Self Harm

I bit my lip and now its bleeding

I try to stop the tears

I bang my chest to feel the feeling

of pent-up rage and fear

I ran out onto the street today

hoping a car would knock me

break my bones and give me pain

Coz nothing else will shock me

I put my fist through panelled glass

watch a cherry red river flow

and from the distance (saw) moments pass

like buttercups in the snow

I overturned my shopping cart

right in the middle of the store

Had a full-blown tantrum there and then

down on the dirt filled floor

I keep a knife under my sheets

to make me feel safe

If a rapist comes whilst I’m asleep,

it would slash him in his face

My bed is full of sharpened spikes

My carpets made of lego

Clothing hangs from electric pikes

hollow dreams they echo

I scrape my nails along black bricked walls

and bruise my tarnished hands

I skip the steps hoping to fall

onto concrete covered land

My heart once full of love and peace

now split right at the seams

yanked right out of its shadowed socket

Will nothing stop the bleed?

Guilt stretches its damning spikes

Shooting arrows  in its wake

Patience longs but defiance storms

Through every bolted gate

Emotions stronger than physical pain

I pinch my bruising skin

Will I ever awake from this sodden slumber

and let reality kick in?

 

 

 

Week 5

Today s therapy session was hard. I was exhausted. I have been dissociating a lot recently. It is hard for me to talk and I prefer that my therapist, C. asks me questions. We discussed why I didn’t feel like talking, why I felt angry at myself and sorry for my mother when it should be the other way around. I told C. that someone had just outed me to my parents that I am gay and about the phone call I received from my mother that triggered me becoming suicidal.            We talked about my terrible insomnia and sleeping habits.

The hour went way too fast.