Back in therapy…

Ive given therapy another go. Not because I want to, but because I feel I need to. I havent found the right therapist yet so I will see how this one goes. And it really helps that its free. At this point I am broke so I couldnt afford it even if I wanted it.


She’s an older lady which somehow is better for me; I guess I respect the experience rather than being a guinea pig for some psychology graduate. I think I am getting better at talking. Thats good. I told her I express myself through drawing so we had a drawing session. But that consisted of me multi-tasking listening to her ramble on and concentrating on my drawing. I think Im going back to talking. Me talking. All the other therapists that Ive been too have been really rigid with enforced boundaries and stonewalling themselves. This one is different. She doesn’t even care if I come late. and she talks about her daughter. I don’t want to come off as mean, but seriously, its my session and I’m not really interested in hearing about your daughter. Or having to think about your feelings. It takes too much energy that I don’t have.

So, back to therapy, lets hope this time it goes well.





Week 5

Today s therapy session was hard. I was exhausted. I have been dissociating a lot recently. It is hard for me to talk and I prefer that my therapist, C. asks me questions. We discussed why I didn’t feel like talking, why I felt angry at myself and sorry for my mother when it should be the other way around. I told C. that someone had just outed me to my parents that I am gay and about the phone call I received from my mother that triggered me becoming suicidal.            We talked about my terrible insomnia and sleeping habits.

The hour went way too fast.

Possible Diagnosis

After TWO, yes two! long years on the NHS waiting list, I finally got an appointment to have a psychological assessment. It was draining. Ive been going over the same stuff so many times, I could tell you my story in my sleep. Why dont they just read my notes??

At the end of the session, the psychologist said she detected Major Depression, PTSD (see post on PTSD) and possible BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder.

Personally, I hate labels.  No, ‘hate’ is too nice a word. Detest… thats better!

However, in order to fill out the paperwork and to get somewhere (Ive waited two freakin long years Im not waiting any longer) I have to have this label despite not ticking ALL of the boxes.

One of the questions that bothered me was the one that asked if I was manipulative.

She didnt ask it. she suggested” there have been times where you have controlled or manipulated people or situations to get what you wanted.”

Which is ironic, because usually it is me who is being manipulated. One of the main factors of the abuse was control and manipulation. Come to think of it, essentially ALL of the abuse was about control. I only got out of my abusive home almost 3 years ago and it hasnt been until very recently that I have felt confident enough to be in control of my own life.

I sometimes still think of myself as a doormat, someone who will bend over backwards to ‘warm your feet ‘and literally be stepped on inorder to avoid aggravation and confrontations.

If I was having this assessment by myself to myself, I would answer that ‘suggestion’ with a resounding NO! but, -again, ironically,- I said I dont know.

Then she said she would like me to research DBT-Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.

So, Ive read up about it but can anyone out here in the blogosphere recount a successful experience with it?



Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events.

The type of events that can cause PTSD include:

  • military combat
  • serious road accidents
  • terrorist attacks
  • natural disasters, such as severe floods, earthquakes or tsunamis
  • being held hostage
  • witnessing violent deaths
  • violent personal assaults, such as sexual assault, mugging or robbery

PTSD can develop immediately after someone experiences a disturbing event or it can occur weeks, months or even years later.

PTSD can develop in any situation where a person feels extreme fear, horror or helplessness. However, it doesn’t usually develop after situations that are simply upsetting, such as divorce, job loss or failing exams.


I have just started seeing a therapist to help with my depression, possible BPD, and the other conditions I have developed as a result of the abuse.

I havent seen a therapist for a long time so right now we are exploring which avenue might be the best one for me to carry on long term..

Initially, I was as opposed to seeing a therapist as an elephant in a cage, but there is a fighter spirit in me that doesnt let me give up. I want to get better. I want to live healthy and happy again. So, despite my previous, unsuccessful attempts with a load of different therapists/therapies, I have started again. Hopefully, this time will be the last time!

Because the abuse took place over so many years, it is extremely hard to separate and spotlight it and say, this is a one time event, lets deal with it and move on. No, it has shaped my entire character and personality and the way I react to events.

Because the coping mechanisms I developed from such a young age are so deeply rooted within my subconscious, my reactions to ‘normal’ stresses such as financial worries, being let down, confrontation etc are heightened, sometimes to a disabling extent.

I have a lot of skills that I need to learn eg interpersonal relationships, distress level management etc but I will elaborate more on those as I go along.